The Forgiveness Cheat Code

In this episode, we explore how true freedom begins when we release the need for an apology and trust God with justice. You’ll learn how to let go without a “I'm sorry,” break free from the grip of trauma, hurt, and bitterness, and step out of the cycle of offense into the peace that comes with surrender. We often believe that holding onto bitterness will somehow make the person who hurt us feel the weight of what they’ve done, but in reality, unforgiveness doesn’t punish them, it imprisons us. The longer we cling to offense, the deeper it roots itself, quietly shaping our thoughts, reactions, and even our identity. What feels like control is actually bondage.

Transcript

Host: Smilla 0:00

Hey guys, welcome back to Revival Podcast, a podcast where we reflect, restore, and rebuild based on biblical wisdom and doctrines. I'm your host, Smilla. People call me Smile, and yeah, today's message is called The Forgiveness Sheet Code. And no, I did not come up with it just now, but it is something that I've been like, uh what's the right title for this? Because I feel like the other titles we've had has been a bit mysterious or convicting or a bit reflective, whereas this one is a bit straightforward. And I don't think it's nothing wrong with that. I'm just saying it's a bit different, it's a bit different than the pattern that we've had, you know what I'm saying? Um, but yeah, today's message is called the Forgiveness Sheet Code. The avoiding you episode was about how we're dealing with ourselves. And in this episode, we're gonna deal with others. Like talk about how we deal with others, but also a little bit with ourselves, because it wouldn't be a revival if we didn't. A lot of the of the roots of the problems is usually rooted in self, so we gotta deal with the self, you know? We gotta we gotta pluck the root out from its source. But this was an uh an episode that I definitely prolonged. I um knew I was gonna have to be vulnerable for this, and I was resisting. I was resisting obedience, and it's strange because I'm such an open book when it comes to sharing my scars and experiences on a one-to-one, but suddenly when my conscience clocked that I will be sharing this with every single continent in the world, I felt a little bit too sane. Um, and God had to remind me of Revelations 12:11, they triumphed over him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony. Blood of the Lamb, what Jesus has done. Word of their testimony, what we say about what he's done. God reminded me that that victory isn't just Jesus' work alone in isolation, but it actually includes us boldly declaring it. And I've said this before, how I definitely didn't see or plan myself starting a podcast, and how I kept denying vessels that God sent me, nudging me to do this until I actually went to God myself and checked for myself whether this was truly from him. And throughout this process, I felt so much like Moses in Exodus, when he felt so unqualified to do what God asked him to do, to the point where he had to send his brother Aaron to go with him to do the first couple speeches and miracles with the staff until Moses progressively grew up the courage to do what God first intended him

Don't Wait 4 Readiness

Host: Smilla 2:47

to do. Many times we grow in the God-given purpose whilst we are executing the very assignment. And that proves my own theology wrong that I had a couple years ago before I stepped into my calling full time. This theology that you have to be fully prepared and equipped for your purpose, for our calling. When actually, if we look at the people that God used and called in the Bible, including myself, they all grew whilst they were walking with God. Even Gideon in Judges 7, he had 32,000 men ready to defeat the Midianites, and God said, Son, you got too many men. With other words, you are too prepared. You're too equipped. You need to get rid of some men. So Gideon reduced thirty-two thousand men to ten thousand men. And God said, Son, it's still too many. Take three hundred. We went from thirty-two thousand men to three hundred men. Gideon was too equipped and too prepared with his thirty-two thousand men that people wouldn't have seen the help by God's hand. Victory comes only from him, not human strength, right? And sometimes when we are too equipped or feel um too ready, we will lack faith because now we have faith in ourselves. And that gives us certainty enough to not feel like we need God. I know what I'm doing. I can do this. Versus, I have no idea how this will go, but I trust God to guide me. I have no idea what I'm doing, but I have faith and find clarity in Christ. If the army looked strong and well equipped, people would have said that they did it themselves. It was because of Gideon's big army. But he wants us to cling to him. The perfect God. If we were perfect, there would be no reason to cling to him. So don't be scared if God suddenly strips back things in your life finances, resources, people. It may just be to strengthen your testimony or to strengthen your relationship with him. Anyway, I am certain that revival is not just for you guys. Um I am not perfect, and as much as my DM say how revival has helped you grow, it has had the same impact on me. God is speaking. I am simply his messenger. So with further do, let's pray. Father God, I just thank you for this message. I thank you that you've given me the courage and the boldness to walk in obedience. I pray that you comfort everyone who's listening with your just your overwhelming peace, Father, and your love and your comfort, Father, as we go into a very vulnerable um state and conversation, Father. I pray that you just give us the biblical doctrines and foundations that we need so we can walk into um the seasons with the correct discipline and doctrines of how to navigate that season, whether that's a season we're in, a season that's ahead, or a season coming up, or a season for someone who who we know. I pray that um that you just hold us tight and lead us boldly into that discipline, and that we don't find resistance or offense, um, but rather see it as a conviction of love where you're alarming that something needs to change or grow, something needs revival. I pray that you help us peacefully reflect um during this message and afterwards, this month ahead, um to just reflect on forgiveness and to help us improve, forgive just as you forgave us. To love just as you love us. In the name of Jesus I pray. Amen. When he listed all the episodes that I was gonna talk about on Revival when he first assigned it to me, like the podcast, um, this message was on the list. And it's funny also like how he so cle cleverly planned it for the month where we just so happened to celebrate his forgiveness for us and the salvation we never earned. Um, because when he first assigned it to me, it was kind of like a list with like one, two, three, like the messages and the titles and and like some notes, like he was just kind of giving me like basically all the episodes I was gonna do. And I didn't know at that point whether I was gonna do weekly, every single week, and it just happened to me monthly, and obviously he already knew that because I don't think it's a coincidence that what I did not know at the time he did, and how so happened to land that we speak about forgiveness on the month we celebrate his forgiveness and salvation. I I don't know what to tell you. I just don't think that's a coincidence. So, yeah, even though I knew that I was gonna have to talk and preach about forgiveness uh like eventually, I still feel so just like blur leading up to it, because forgiveness comes with such heaviness, right? Cause it often requires vulnerability and it's often not comfortable. And that's right where God wants us, that's right where He wants our iron sharpening, right? God wants us uncomfortable because that's the only posture that forces growth. I was molested when I was about four or five years old. I was sexually assaulted in my teens and drugged in attempted rape in my 20s. I was deceived in um infidelity both in my own relationship and by my parents. There have been many moments in my life where I've had the choice to forgive or not forgive.

Unforgiveness Is Expensive

Host: Smilla 9:22

I would say I forgive very easily today, because I learned very young that it's more freeing to forgive one time than to every day decide not to. One option is a a one-time payment, and the other option is more expensive because it's a daily rate. I also very early understood that it's harder to choose whether to forgive or not forgive if you don't have all the facts. And that led me to be very curious and and reflect why they did that, why they're wired this way. So by the time I was sexually assaulted, um, my mind had already blocked out the molest um from trauma. So I only had fragments of that memory until my sexual assault later when I was older, um, that then triggered the lost memory of the molest. And this was probably the most traumatic and confusing season of my life. Cause I had to heal from both events at the same time, even though they had completely different year stamps. I was shortly after diagnosed with DPTSD, delayed post-traumatic stress disorder. I would get random nose bleeds, and I never got nose bleeds, and my hair would fall out. I would lose so much hair. Like if you ever see me with long big curls, I'm wearing extensions. I lost so much hair. Um, but the worst was obviously the hallucinations and the panic attacks and the nightmares. The first couple months I would do anything to keep myself from falling asleep because I was so terrified of reliving the same trauma over and over again. In my nightmares, because your dreams feel so real. And when you're awake, suddenly you don't know if you're dreaming or if you're sleeping, or if you're awake or if you're sleeping. Um, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. And the first person I had to forgive was myself. Like many um rape victims, we tend to blame ourselves. Um, even though we might have said no or or pushed or yelled or fought against, or even if our body just freezes completely due to the trauma, I said no and stop multiple times up until the penetration, and that's when my body completely shut down and I couldn't move and I couldn't speak, I couldn't I couldn't blink. And I remember being completely frozen and tears went down my face and I looked out the window and I was screaming, but no sound would come out. And I prayed to God to make him stop and I felt so abandoned because it felt like God didn't show up. And I felt so much shame in church. I left I left teams and groups and I was so scared of men in general. Obviously that's a defense mechanism, so it wasn't even that like I thought they meant any harm, but when you have DPTSD, your neurosystem sends signals before your brain does. So for example, when my pastor or when someone would say hello, that was a male, um, even though I know him or they didn't mean any harm, your neurosystem sends an immediate signal to your brain that goes like, I order you to send adrenaline and loads of fear now, um, because I'm um I'm seeing a noticing a potential threat. And you couldn't save her the last time, so you better trust me on this one. So your neurosystem basically takes over before your brain has time to like assess the situation, or your neurosystem will tell you brain test this way too much, you get like ticks, or you will look around for danger constantly, like you're always stressed and like like looking around for danger, because your neurosystem is now basically fired the brain for not doing its job, and the nervous system is kind of like it reminds me of that film. I can't remember what that is. You know those colorful little it's like oh what's that film called? It's like an animation, it's like all have different emotions and they're all different colors. It reminds me of anxiety, that's pretty much what the nervous system does. It just tries to protect you from everything. Um, and you feel so dirty as well. Like no shower to make you feel clean. Um I would be in the shower and I would I would scrub my skin until I literally bled every single time. And you didn't feel clean enough. Um and it took me almost a year before I could dress in front of the mirror. I would have to play with piercings and uh cut my hair, anything to kind of disguise the girl I saw in the mirror that was abused, to a girl that I could actually look at. Um so like when I did my makeup or getting ready, I would like put a fake nose piercing in and then take it off when I was done. Just I could do what I needed to do. So silly, but like it tricks tricks your brain that you're not looking at the same person. Um, not looking at the girl that was abused. Eventually I got help, and um with education of law and consent and by God's grace, um, I was able to forgive myself. So secondly, I had to let go of the offense I had of God. I struggle with understanding how God would allow me to go through such a thing, why he didn't show up when I cried out to him, and he showed me this visual of me receiving a gift, opening that gift, and using that gift, for then the person who gave me the gift in the first place took it back. And he explained that our free will is a gift he freely gives. And it wouldn't be love if he controlled us how we use it. Like there's an expectation, but we also have a choice. Like if someone gave me a pair of earrings, they probably wishes for me to wear them on my ears and not hide them in my pockets. There's an expectation. And with the free gift that we were given, there's an expectation. He laid an example in the Bread of Life in the Book of the Bible of how he wishes for us to use the free will that he's given us. But we're still left with a choice to submit or ignore. He also told me to read um Luke 1 4, and at the time I was reading ERV, and he said, I did this so that you can be sure that what you have been taught is true. And I didn't know leading up to that season what consent was. So that verse was so profound to me because it really showed me like how much I've grown. Like it kind of opened my eyes a bit. Like I thought only strangers sexually assaulted um and and not husbands and boyfriends and people you know. I learned so much about the news and politics and and how the news only pay out and publish the things that are unusual and not usual, hence why we don't hear so much about the Ukraine war anymore, because it's no longer unusual, it's usual. So when it comes to rape and sexual assault, I was taught by that from the news. It was always someone getting kidnapped or someone being raped by the Uber driver, someone like it was always a stranger, or um, when you're outdoors, I never heard anything about in your own home, and definitely not the true statistics of that the most rape and sexual assaults happen within marriages. I had to unlearn what I had learned. And I then understood that God didn't cost what happened to me, but he used it for good. Thirdly, I had to forgive my abuser, and this forgiveness took a bit quicker, ironically, than forgiving myself and and God, for it was easier to understand why my abuser did what he did than how I could have let it happen or how God could have let it happen. Forgiving my abuser was as simple as understanding Jesus' words on the cross. Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they are doing. My abuser was so insecure and wanted to feel like a man and it was easy emotionally hard to forgive him for although I couldn't forget, I could forgive, knowing the fact that he didn't have the right morality, he simply didn't know better.

The Cheat Code & The Lie

Host: Smilla 19:21

So I think from personal experiences that the she code to forgiveness is understanding their why plus God's grace equals freedom. To understand someone's why or your own why requires curious reflection, and that means investigating in the very memory or mind that's hurting, and that's not always a comfortable thing to do. But God doesn't call us to be comfortable, he calls us to be uncomfortable. Like if we keep um chasing and staying within the parameters of emotional-driven comfort, we're never gonna become the person that God has called us to be. And we're never gonna get to the destination that He's planned for us. That's why the enemy prevents forgiveness with pettiness and justified uh false fairness of us being the judge of who's right, because it keeps us from growing and loving correctly. It keeps us from fulfilling God's commandments. This lie of the enemy making you believe that holding on to unforgiveness will make them feel pain and regret. It sounds so silly when you say it aloud, but we've all we've all we all do it or have done it. But the truth is it only keeps us bound. While the other person probably often feels nothing at all. I guess for for me, the expensive choice of holding on to unforgiveness instead of forgiving was during the infidelity between my parents. I didn't have a relationship with my mom for three years after that, and I felt so deceived and lied to, especially since I had to witness it, and I chose to hold on to so much bitterness and offense, for it somehow made me believe that the angrier it made me feel, the more guilty I hope she felt, because I didn't have the words to explain how she did on I felt, even though she wasn't dating me. There's a quote that I don't know who said it, but it says bitterness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. I don't know who said it, but it's such a Bar, bitterness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Satan convinces us that unforgiveness punishes others by it only imprisons us. It only prevents us from propelling. That's why you see those who's hurt you may get a get their dream job, their promotion, getting married, have this dream life whilst you're still there holding on to what they said or did to you five years ago or ten years ago. Yesterday. It took me three years to let that offense go. During those years I found Jesus and grew deeper with him, and that was one of the main factors that led to our reconciliation, but also being open-minded that just as I knew that I had changed, so might she. And I had to let go of my judgments and let her current present actions decide who she was and not her past actions. The only judge is God. Our job is simple. Let it go. The problem is we are selfishly wired beings. Humble is not in our nature. It's in God's nature. And our job is to rewire our flesh to abide to Christ's nature. God is the only judge. Choosing to hold on to unforgiveness is saying that you judge them guilty and you're not worthy and you don't find them worthy of being forgiven. It takes me back to the Samaritan woman. We're gonna read John 8, 1 to 11. But Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. At down he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the law of Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say? They were using this to question as a trap in order to have a basis for accusing him. When I first read this, I was reflecting on Moses' law and how some penalties were very like aggressive, like some had death penalty. Obviously, the Moses law didn't specifically say um death by stoning, like stoning was just a strategy they used to kill someone back in the day. So I was reflecting on this, and God kind of explained to me that He was placing a foundation of making us so aware of how how crucial and serious sin really was. Um like that law showed us how serious sin is, so that when Jesus later came, we would understand how deep God's mercy is. Because if we didn't have these penalties and this Moses law before, with the ceremonial laws, we wouldn't understand effort and we wouldn't understand how wrong sin is, which means that if Jesus would have just come and he would have just loved us, we would have just sinned sin and then go back to him whenever we did something wrong. But because this was a foundation that taught us that sin is really, really, really bad, to the point that it needs sacrifices, someone to take his place, someone to die for it, like that made what Jesus did for us so much more understandable and so much more mighty. When um when Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger, when they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her. Again he stopped down and wrote on the ground. At this those who heard began to go away, one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with a woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you? No one, sir, she said, then neither do I condemn you. Jesus declared, go now and live your life and leave your life of sin. If sin is a simple line, you either sin or you don't, we all would stand on the other side of that line. And me who's been molested, sexually assaulted, um used for my money and my connections and industry, been deceived by infidelity, been taken advantage of for my business services, it's been many people I've had to forgive. And I'm not saying that to boast or to um make anyone feel like I've I've had more people to forgive than others. It's more so that I'm trying to elucidate that I'm no better than them. Like if the line was in front of me, I would stand on the other side amongst my sexual abusers.

We Are ALL Sinners

Host: Smilla 27:27

James 2 10 says, forever who keeps the whole law yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it. I think many people think that you are different than the people who's hurt you because you are more righteous. But it's whoever stumbles at one point, I think people forget what they've done when they are pointing fingers or when they have been hurt by someone, that yes, you have salvation if you're Christian, you believe in Christ and you repent of for your sins. My sexual abuses might not go to heaven, but if the line is sinner and not sinner, I'd still stand on the same line as they, even though we have different sins, because we still have sinned. I'm no better than they are. I didn't earn my salvation. Jesus paid a price for my salvation, and although he gave the same gift of of salvation to me as he did to my sexual abusers or to anyone who's hurt me, the only difference might be that I actually opened that gift and chose to apply it versus they said no thank you. For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it. That means that even if the worst thing that you've ever done is um borrow a pen from the office or from your school and take it home, yet never returned it, which means that you're stealing, is the same value as adultery and murder. Which is crazy because in our heads we made uh this thing where we have assigned value to the idea that some sins are are worse than others. Biblically, some sins had different penalties, but they all had a penalty. You're either guilty or you ain't. Biblically, any sin, big or small, makes you a lawbreaker before the holy God. Think of it like a glass window. One crack versus shattering it completely. Either way, it's broken. And yet we're so fixated on the size of the crack or the sound of the shattering. If the pastor commits adultery with another woman, it's unforgivable and you have to swap church and and you can't listen to him anymore. Like what happened to Carl Lenz and many others. But if there's a pastor who's addicted to gluttony, I don't hear anybody fussing about that. When someone has cheated on when they were like 15 years old, this was just something that I um came by when uh like years ago, I think it was on like Love is Blind or something. I don't watch it anymore, but it was this guy and a woman, I think it was Love I was Blind, they were gonna get married, and she asked him, like, have you ever cheated before? And he was like, Yeah, when I was um uh once when I was about uh 15, uh seventeen. And in her view, he was still labelled risky and untrustworthy, even though they're not he's now in his thirties. And yes, this is a scenario from a TV, but he just stuck with me because she now couldn't trust him. It's so easy to point fingers at others and hold on to their wrongdoings because it makes us um feel more righteous or validated for our hurt or past hurt. Like in her case, she had been cheated on before, so that validated what she felt in the past. That wasn't validated by him. Her ex, I assume. Right? Us being feeling like we've been deceived by our pastor because he sinned validates our hurt. But we read the book of David. He slept with a married woman, and he committed adultery, and not only committed adultery, but he tried to have her husband killed to cover it up, and we still read Psalms. Moses murdered an Egyptian and buried him under the sand, and we still read Exodus. Paul persecuted Christians, we still read Corinthians, Galatians, Romans, I mean the list goes on. So if a murderer in the Bible, we can forgive them, and we still read their books, but we're not able to forgive a murderer that's on the TV or the news. We should be able to forgive an abuser in the past that's still hurting us in the present. Our pain is often um wanting to feel and be acknowledged. And sometimes we hold on to unforgiveness because we haven't processed the hurt, and we feel unseen or invalidated, which makes unforgiveness kind of feel like at least this proofs it mattered, and then you just clutch on to the unforgiveness. We confuse forgiveness with thinking we're letting them get away with it, or um, if I let this go, then they win. But scripture speaks truth over that lie. Romans 12 19. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath. Wrath, I can't pronounce that. Let's move on, for it is written. It is mine to avenge, I will repay, says the Lord. Forgiveness isn't saying that it didn't matter, it's saying that I trust God to deal with it, not me. Verse 20 continues, If your enemy is hungry, feed them. If he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head. With other words, you will um uh burn them with conviction that will lead them to repentance. Cause kindness will contrast their cruelty, and it will close that foothold that you have to offense. Pettiness and offense is a choice like we learned in avoiding you. Romans 6, 16, I'm gonna read ERV this time because this translation really spoke to me. Surely you know that you become the slaves to whatever you give yourself to. Anything or anyone you follow will be your master. You can follow sin or you can obey God. Following sin bring uh following sin brings spiritual death, but obeying God makes you right with him.

A Slave To Unforgivness

Host: Smilla 34:12

You can become slave to unforgiveness. It may feel like you're um in control because it's rooted in choice, but the longer that we hold on to unforgiveness, the more it roots itself and becomes our master and us its slave. Forgiveness may feel like losing control, but in reality it's laying down a weight that we were never meant to carry. Many feel validated by their offense, but your offense separates you from God. Offense leaves a foothold for the enemy. Ephesians 431 to 32 says, get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Malice means offense or wrongful intention. GNT translation describes malice as hateful feelings of any sort. Verse thirty two says, Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other just as Christ God forgave you. Guys, who are we to hold on to unforgiveness when God died and was brutally flogged and beaten and spit and mocked and crucified for you and me? For the people standing on the side of sinners unworthy of salvation. Jesus was offered a mirror, a wine mixed with gal to numb the pain, but he refused to drink it. He refused it, so that he could endure the full suffering for us. He wanted to maximize his suffering to showcase how much he values you. The same people who praised him one day and yelled crucify him the next. One close disciple denied him, another sold him off. Yet he used their wrongs for the greatest gift that we never earned. And just to be clear, forgiveness doesn't mean reconciliation. I know that was the case for me and my mom, although that's a movement still in progress, but that's not always the case. Forgiveness is for you, not them. You forgive them to give the burden to God, not to punish them or carry it for validation, which leads to punishing you in the long run anyway. Sometimes the outcome of forgiveness is a police investigation, or a court case, or a breakup, or you deciding to go your separate ways on good grounds. Sometimes it's reconciliation with new boundaries. Sometimes you have to wait before assessing whether to reconcile or to close the chapter for good. Joseph in Genesis assessed and tested his brothers three to four times after they sold him off. By God's grace he built up his life and had an authoritative rank over Egypt, but when his brothers visited Egypt for food, because it was a famine in the land, Joseph was scared that they hadn't grown from their hurtful and malice ways. He found out he had a little brother, Benjamin, which made him worry now that they might treat him the way that he was treated by them. So he invited them to dinner, gave Benjamin five times more food than the other brothers to see if they would get jealous, testing their jealousy. He hits a silver cup in their bag on their journey home to test their loyalty, see if they would return it. Before these tests, even when they were buying the grain, the food in the first place, um the silver coins that they bought the grain with, he put them back into the to the grain bags to test their integrity, see if they could come back. He also kept Simeon in prison to test their honesty until they brought Benjamin um to him to prove that Benjamin existed.

Boundaries

Host: Smilla 38:39

Now, God didn't tell Joseph to do all those tests. We are called to keep no records of wrongs. However, I believe we can take note of the boundary that Joseph displayed here of marking a line that what happened to him was not okay and should not happen again. He was kind of saying that before I restore my relationship with my brothers, let me guard my heart and investigate before the relationship harms me. That's wise. God investigated Sodom and Gomorrah through Genesis eighteen nineteen when Abraham tried to negotiate with God to save Lot and his family and the good people there. Before God strikes, he investigates. That's a boundary. Jesus, although he's now seventy-two, he walked with twelve, he was only vulnerable to Peter, James, and John three. That's a boundary. Genesis one, God literally makes a boundary between land and water and night and day, and even Adam and the forbidden fruit. Boundaries are God's design, not to imprison us, but to allow us to freely live away from harm. I could go on and on of how Paul and Barnabas separated from a disagreement or Saul tried to kill David a bunch of times, and David kept sparing his life, but simply chose to not return to live with him. Boundaries are biblically displayed. And sometimes if the evidence from the investigation or the first occurrence is harming your faith or your safety, that might mean that you need to forgive them in your heart and part ways.

They're Not Sorry?

Host: Smilla 41:02

Now, there is a group of people who hold on to offense, not even for what they did or said to you, but for how they handled it and how they chose to not take accountability for how they never said I'm sorry. And that hurt you more than the first thing that pissed you off in the first place. Ask yourself why do you need them to tell you that they're sorry? Majority of the time, not always, but most cases, it's rooted in you not having self-value. Many people need them to say, I'm sorry to make you feel like you matter. They just walked all over you, made you feel less than. And their sorry can restore the view that they displayed of you that you now chose to believe to. The thing is, if we walk confidently in our identity in Christ and know our worth, there is nothing that can make us think anything of ourself unless we choose to agree with it. Unless we allow it. If I told you that um you have ugly neon yellow hair, that probably wouldn't affect you because you know with a certainty and you walk in certainty that you are a brunette or a blonde or a ginger or whatever hair color that you have. You know the truth. But if you actually had neon yellow hair, it might be a bit more hurtful for you because it's you're seeing a truth in that statement and you're choosing to agree with it. By the way, if you just happen to have yellow, yellow neon hair, um, you rock that sis, okay? But you get my point. So although forgiveness is good and it's mature, we shouldn't have to wait for an I'm sorry before we move forward. I I remember learning that through my sexual assaults, feeling like I needed them to acknowledge the trauma that they put me through for me to be able to move forward. But then realizing that Jesus said, Father, please forgive them whilst he was still being abused, whilst he was still on the cross. He got no sorries and he moved forward with love, which is not emotionally driven. If you watch last month's episode When a couple years later. um I decided to report one of them. Um it wasn't rooted in in revenge or um that I wanted to complicate his life or anything malice or hurtful in any way. It was simply rooted on that I wanted to um protect the next girl that he might be doing it to. Um and also more so than ever or anything was to um hopefully teach him what consent is and um not to understand me, like not to make him understand me or um understand what the consent that he ignored or took away from me but just consent in general because when you report um if it happens again the next person's case will be stronger. And it wasn't rooted in s me feeling satisfaction of of helping somebody else's case. It was literally I only wanted him to learn what I learned about consent. Cause I knew comparing him to like the other abusers, he was the only one who really did not know what he was doing. I feel like the other abusers they knew they was wrong and they did it anyway and I didn't report them because I felt so drained from the first court case um but him it was it was so rooted and I just needed him to learn so that he wouldn't he wouldn't do it again and the thought of someone going through what I went through broke my heart So don't wait for a I'm sorry. Don't plot revenge learn to let go even if they take accountability or noting their why helps to forgive Jesus said Father forgive them for they know not what they're doing he understood their why where my mom decided to commit adultery was because she wanted to feel truly loved, wanted and desired, nurtured and cared for why my abusers chose to commit assault was because they wanted to feel like a man in control, false masculinity. Why my friends took advantage of me due to narcissistic behavior or their childhood lacked empathy, a off moral discernment or lies that were um rooted in them thinking that they're them preventing me from the truth would hurt less than um than the actual transparency. The why doesn't justify their actions of anyone who's hurt you but it helps understand why it happened and with that understanding it's easier to surrender it to God. Sometimes praying to God to reveal their why has helped me surrender it completely if I can't come up with a why on my own forgive them father for they know not what they're doing. Understanding their why plus God's grace equals freedom practice makes perfect as they say the more we practice forgiveness the easier it becomes and over time like Stephen Furtick um once said a stumble is still a step you just have to start like you stumbling forward is still you moving forward even though you're not forgiving as easily or as quickly as you might have wanted to or as you might uh have wanted like has as Jesus displayed like a stumble is still a step and before you know it you'll be running but that doesn't make a stumble any less worth a stumble is still a step you just have to start let's pray Father I thank you so much for this message I thank you that you have given us a clear foundation and biblical doctrines of how to forgive and how to love one another father I pray that you can help us apply those doctrines onto our own lives so that we go out and we are with your daughters and your sons that we are able to forgive with ease and surrender everything completely to you Father I pray that you release any offense in our hearts any hardened hearts that you turn them soft father so that we can pray for them despite our um despite their wrongdoings towards us despite what they have done to someone we know I pray that we still um can just release the offense and be able to be kind to them regardless and show your love to them I pray that your love overflows to us to the point where it overflows to the people around us including people who have persecuted us Father I pray that you reveal any people or even if it's ourselves seasons or situations where we have to forgive that didn't happen recently but that we have held in our hearts for years that it has rooted itself that it's almost like we can't even know that it's there it's it's subconsciously I pray that you reveal so we can take it out from the root and forgive and surrender it to you help us reflect restore and rebuild and bless our revival in the name of Jesus I pray amen this episode I feel like every every month I record I always say at the end I'm like oh this was deep or this was heavy but I actually feel it today this was definitely not easy and it's so odd because I definitely went into this thinking like even when he first assigned the podcast to me like oh this will be this will be fine and then me realizing that like it's different being vulnerable so openly than to be vulnerable to someone you know. Um so God definitely used this to grow me a little bit and I will as together with you reflect on this message areas in my life sometimes we think that we might have surrendered everything but actually there's still some roots there left growing weeds um within us so um I pray as we continue this month and until the next episode that we um yeah that we reflect and we really surrender everything regardless of who's hurt you and what they've done because Jesus died for us both they might have rejected Jesus and we did not but that does not make us better than them we're both sinners but yeah thank you for tuning in I'ma start babbling before I'm here all day but um yeah thank you for tuning in I will see you next month but if you want to be notified for future episodes uh or my little shorts and reels then subscribe to uh YouTube or hit the notification button so you can be up to date when new episodes are coming and um yeah let's continue to reflect restore and rebuild until next time guys bye